Only Loving You Once
by ShyNobody
Summary: Where there's Friendship will always have love, and where Love will always have friendship. I would feel hurt and I would feel happy where the two of you exist... One Shot. A/B


**A/N- First of all, the Twilight is not mine as you all know. :)**

**Second, let me just say that i'm really nervous about this story. It's long let that be a warning a head, coz i'm not sure but it may be boring. The concept is to have an actual story yet at least 2 sub stories. Alice and James. Edward and Kate. Bella and Alice and Jasper. The story can be confusing too. And i tried to make it not so confusing but if i failed. I'm sorry. Also, the part where the the writings are in italic, the narrator was talking about the past. Uhm... i hope it makes sense and i hope you guys enjoy. Sorry for all the errors that you will finds.**

* * *

><p><em><strong>~Love and Friendship~<strong>_

_**Once elder Love and Friendship had a conversation; one that had been continuously discussed and wondered by many.**_

_**Love: "If love makes the people cry and their heart mourn; if I'm the reason of their sadness, tears and broken heart… shouldn't it be your role, your job to be there and help them from hurting over me? To help them mend their broken hearts and ease the pain of having lost me?"**_

_**Friendship nodded in agreement.**_

_**Friendship: "Yes my friend. It is my role to help them get though the pain of losing you; to help them forget –for the time being- the traces of pain you left behind. And believe me old friend, I do that."**_

_**Love looks at Friendship, eyeing the elder curiously. Friendship could already feel another question coming.**_

_**Love: "Then why do a lot still cries? Why does sadness still homes the eyes of many and grief still ever present in their hearts even after 'Love' is long gone"**_

_**Friendship looks at Love and bowed its head. Love continued to watch, wondering what Friendship could've done wrong to look so defeated.**_

_**Friendship: "That is my fault and I will not deny. I'm always deep in doing my job, my role; deep and concentrated to make the pain you inflicted go away; shoo the sadness and replace it with happiness. But as I do, I always fail to realise that in my bid to do my job… in my bid to make them happy again and forget about the lost love… I don't realise that I actually end up doing yours instead.**_

* * *

><p>Who would've thought writing about love could be so hard? I've sat here for hours with a pen in hand, scribbles in front of me and crumpled papers around me. I stared at the piece of paper in front of me for hours reading what I scribbled on it over and over again, as if, if I read it more the few things in there would just multiply and explain itself.<p>

Why is it hard anyway? People felt and feel it always and all the time. They talk about it everyday and yet here I am, not able to think of what else to write about the universal feeling known to man.

"I've been in love with the same woman for 50years," I looked up after hearing the statement and was met by sad brown eyes.

"I've been in love with the same woman for 50 years," the owner of those sad brown eyes repeated. "I wish she knew…"

"I've lived for 68years now. Loved her for 50years, watched her for 50 years be happy and that had been enough for me."

I continued to look at those sad brown orbs, looking straight back at me. The sadness homed in it were evident but the small smile gracing the lips were real; a sad smile but nonetheless real.

"Years ago, I would sleep at night with a heavy heart and wake up with the same feeling. I would sleep tired and wake up still feeling tired knowing I didn't actually sleep properly. I'm tired, I'm restless and yet my heavy heart remained aching, beating painfully… tirelessly.

Years ago, I would sometimes wish that I had never met her. So then, I could sleep at night not knowing there was someone like her out there."

Another sad smile graced the pale-red lips.

"Before she… before Alice came in my life, my life was just doing fine. Things were balance and I'm in control. Everyday may had been some sort of a routine but it works for me. It had been enough.

But then she came and suddenly, I woke up and realised that what they said about '_you do not know what have been missing until it actually arrives'_ is true."

I held my gaze at those brown eyes and listened to what is being said. The words and the quote had affected me.

* * *

><p><em>I was in a park looking around like I used to when I'm bored. Some might not know but looking around and watching the people in the park is both entertaining and enlightening. Each one has something to do; each family has different activities; each couple has their own love stories and as I watch them, I learn.<em>

_Then as I look around, my eyes caught sight a figure so small beside the tree. She was seating against the tree, curled up and obviously had been crying. Normally, I would just look and observe but there's something about her. I had the urge to check if she was ok. And that was where it started._

_I went to check on her and when her hazel-green eyes met mine, I knew I did the right thing to check her and make sure she was all right. She was beautiful even with her face tainted with tears, she still looks stunning. _

_I sat beside her and offered my company and luckily enough she accepted. We sat in silence for I didn't know how long, but I spent those minutes or hours looking at her. The tears in her eyes eventually subsided a little and I for some reason felt relieved. There was something in seeing those pearl of tears leave her eyes that made me want to reach for her and gather her in my arms. But of course I couldn't do that because; technically we're still strangers to each other._

"_Thank you," she mumbled quietly while wiping her tears. I smiled at her. "For checking on me," she added and I nodded my head. I'm not really good with words. I often say the most inappropriate things in an inappropriate of time. Besides, I grew up believing that action speaks louder than any words._

_For a few more minutes we stayed there seating under the tree in silence, until she talks about what happened to her. I learned that the first guy she ever took a chance to be with wasn't what she thought he was. He wasn't the loving and honest man she had come to know as friend; wasn't the thoughtful and selfless man he had seemed to be at the start of their relationship._

_-x-x-x-_

_Alice's first love story was about James. They had been friends for a while. James was healing from his failed relationship with a girl named Victoria. Alice had been his shoulder to cry on. She had helped him stand up and be whole again. But as she helped him, her compassion grew for the broken man. Days turned to weeks and from weeks to months and the broken heart and compassionate heart had gotten close._

_Alice did her best to help her friend James to move on and be happy again and as she did, she failed to see that James' broken heart has healed already and started to beat for her. And when she finally realised what was happening, she was lost. She didn't know what to do. She had grown to like James over those months but as helpful as she might have been in helping James move on, she was also aware that she was still too naïve when it comes to love._

_She knew she likes James but that was the only thing she was sure of. She wasn't sure in what way does she actually like him; if it was because her feeling had grown deeper for her –used to be broken- friend or if it was just compassion she feels for him. And at the same time, Alice also doesn't know if James likes her because of her or he's just trying to cover the cracks that his previous relationship left. _

_But she was young and James was charming and so she allowed herself to take a chance with James. At the beginning, like any other relationship was great. They were happy and she for the first time is seeing things under new eyes. But like any other relationship, hurdles came and although they both tried and fight for it, it just became harder and harder and then Alice couldn't take it anymore. She tried to overcome them, but as they were hit by problems, James changed into something that Alice had never seen before. The once loving man turned into a hateful one. The once thoughtful and selfless man vanished and became someone that was so insecure and wouldn't trust anyone. It scared Alice and the adoration she once felt for him drastically disappeared._

_She eventually ended the relationship. She thought it would be better to end it sooner, while it's early instead to wait until they both hate each other. Despite the man James turned out to be, she still wanted to keep their friendship or what is left of it. But James wouldn't have it. For him, it's either they're together or nothing at all. He was so angry when Alice broke up with him and it frightened Alice and that's when she found herself in the park._

_-x-x-x-_

_She started crying again when she was telling me what happened and at that point, I didn't hesitate. She may be technically a stranger but I felt like I've known her more than the people I've known all my life. I gathered her in my arms and let her weep against my shoulder. On that moment I knew, that is where I wanted her to stay –in my arms. I wanted to protect her and help her and make her happy. I wanted to be the one to put the smile back in her lips as well as in her hazel-green eyes._

_Alice and I became friends; best friends in fact. I was able to fulfil my self-made-vow to be the one to put the smile back on Alice's face. When we turned 20 we both moved out of our parents' house and rented a place of our own. I still don't know if I should list that decision as the best decision I have ever made in my life because living with Alice made me get to know her a lot deeper than anyone, or regret it because as I was able to know her more, the deeper my supposed friendship with her grew and as it grow, my feelings did too._

_I knew that it shouldn't be. I knew that I should've stopped when I had the chance, but… Alice was just so wonderful. It was/is really impossible not to have your feelings go deeper for her, let alone not to have feelings for her at all. It was fine for a few years of living with each other. We both go on dates with other people, we still had our lives outside our world but regardless, at the end of the day, it was the two of us. So, me loving her more than I should secretly wasn't bothering me too much. It bothered me, but I could still handle it. As far as I know –inside me anyway- Alice was mine._

_But like everything else in this world, changes came through time. We were 25 when my other best friend Jasper came back from serving the Military. He was and is my childhood friend. We had been friends since diaper years and we influenced each other greatly that people always say we are one and the same only inside two bodies; so, having said that, it wasn't really a surprise when Jasper and Alice hit it off straight away._

_It was ok at the beginning. We were the golden trio. But again changes came with time and as days, weeks, months passed, my once secure self stopped feeling secured. Alice and Jasper had gotten closer than I'm comfortable with. I tried denying it for a while and convinced myself that it was still friendship between them, but I could only deny the facts for so much. The way Jasper looks at Alice was a dead give a way. _

_He looks at her as if he was only seeing her for the first time. When Alice is in the room, it's as if nobody else is in there with them. His focus was all on Alice and Alice alone. It was pretty much obvious and everyone was seeing it. I think Jasper knew that he was being very obvious with his affection towards my Alice. But he never tried to hide it. If anything, I think he made it more evident to anyone that has eyes –it would even be visible to those who are blinds._

_I envy Jasper for the first time in my life. Here he was making it blatant that he adores my Alice freely when I have been here for years and yet I couldn't let even just a hint of what I was feeling towards the same girl. Life was unfair like that for me. But then, I took comfort in the knowledge that Alice still looks at him the same way. She smiles her usual smile to him but not the smile that was just for me. So, in a little way, it made me feel safe… or my feelings at least._

_But that didn't last long. Soon and Jasper went for it and declared his feelings for my Alice. He took us both to a fancy dinner being the gentleman that he is. I actually enjoyed myself during dinner because the food was superb, but my good mood dissipated when right in front of me, he looks into Alice's hazel-green eyes, reached for her hand and said, __**"Alice, I know we've only known each other not so long… but… trust me when I say I've never known anyone the way I feel like I do with you –no offence to my best friend there," **__he then winked at me._

"_**But… I know no matter how much I think of a better way to say it, it would only be meaning the same thing and believe me I have thought of way… and uhm… Alice, if you will… please give me the chance to be the one to put the smile back in you lips and the shine back into your light emerald of eyes?"**_

_I had to literally bite my tongue just so I won't let words come out from my lips. Jasper just asked my Alice if he could be the one to make her happy. If he could be the one to do my job; my self-made-vow! I wanted to be mad at Jasper. I wanted to shout and tell him that, that job is taken. But I couldn't. First I could hardly blame Jasper for having his feelings for Alice. Alice is an amazing human being and beautiful inside and out. Second, I couldn't actually be mad at Jasper for something that was actually beyond his control. I mean, it wasn't his fault that he was able to have that chance to actually declare her adoration for the woman we both love while I stay on the sideline and watch._

_It wasn't his fault that I took the position of being the closest person to Alice yet the furthest away to be noticed by her in that way. So, as Jasper took the risk and bite the dust, I watch Alice stares at him. I knew that it wasn't really very nice but I was silently praying to all that are holy for Alice to say no; to take her hand back and apologise for not having the same feelings for him. _

_But… we all know that not all prayers are being answered. And unfortunately for me, one of those prayers was mine. Alice smiled at Jasper. Not her usual smile but the smile that she only used to give to me. And when I recognised it, I knew… I knew I might've lost her already._

_I don't really remember what else happened that night. Only, I felt like I've been beaten up badly. My face was hot and my heart wouldn't stop hammering its way on my chest. I wasn't sure if it was possible but I could swear that, that night, I could literally feel the pain of my beating heart. I had watch Alice for all these years and had claimed her mine in my heart. It was the two of us for those years and now… now it was like Jasper woke me from my dream and his love for Alice just brought me back to reality. Alice's smile however… it made the reality hurts more._

_After that night, Jasper was constantly in our place. He and Alice were inseparable and the adoration and look from Jasper's eyes were soon reciprocated by Alice's. Alice smiles more and with him. We hang out like we used to in Alice and mine's place but it was as if I wasn't there. Everyday as the day went on, I felt more and more foreign around the once I called my home. I didn't feel comfortable in our place anymore. Everywhere I look, I see the two of them being all lovey-dovey while I cradle my aching heart. They said when you're hurting you have to go to your comfort zone. My comfort zone was Alice and mine's place; it was my home. But my home recently had become the most hurtful place to be in._

_Do you know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless; feeling like the one you love is waking up in the arms of another? But at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you. Everyday I wake up with that thought and feeling but I tried to get used to it. I…- what would other say- 'man up' and face it everyday. I watch them stare in each others eyes like they were the only two people in the world; watch Jasper holds Alice in his strong arms and Alice let herself be cradle protectively against Jasper's chest. I watch them hold hands and witness the smile that graced their lips every time they're together. Each action was like a dagger stabbed in my heart. Each smile they cast on each other was like salt in my wound. Each words of endearment they exchange were like strings of words that grip my heart. Everyday I tried to endure those but the hope that one day it would numb me didn't come. It still hurts the same way as the last if not more. And it gets harder everyday because as it happens, as they unconsciously continue breaking my in hundred pieces of heart, I had to keep smiling; I had to smile like I mean it. I had to smile even if all I really wanted to do was just cry. Cry for my heart that is shattered to pieces; cry for loving someone I can't have; cry for not having the chance of having her and loving her freely; and cry for continuously loving someone that continuously breaks my heart. But, I couldn't cry either. Because I'm a hypocrite that believes, that crying won't make the pain go away. It's just a reminder that you are actually in pain. _

_It was their first anniversary. I was eager to come home from work, thinking they would eat out. I was eager to be 'home' and sulk while I try to mend my stubborn beating organ. But when I came home, I realised that they actually want a private date. They prepared our table to look fancy, dim lights and candle, soft music in the background… the works, while the couple stands in the middle of the room; Jasper holding Alice protectively in his arms while Alice rest her head against Jasper's chest. A soft contented smile on her face while listening to the beat of his heart. Half of me wanted to just barge in and ruin their moment, but as I stood there… as I watched them, I knew I had to do the right thing by them. I had to walk away and give them their privacy. They are my friends; one I love like a brother I never had and one I love the most in the world. They look happy and contented and everyone deserves that. I had no right to be bitter just because I couldn't have what they have or… what Jasper has for that matter. So with a very heavy heart, I left the place and went to wonder around._

_Later I found myself at the park. There were less people in it to watch because it was getting dark. I should be scared but I had nowhere to go. So I sat against the tree where I first met Alice and looks up at the sky. The night sky was clear and the stars are shining. They were mesmerising that I just want to reach up and touch them. Then it hit me –loving someone who doesn't love you is like reaching for a star. You know you'll never reach it but you continue to try. And then I asked myself, how can you keep trying when you know the one you love already loves someone else? What would be the trying for? Technically I didn't really have to try, because Alice is no longer available for me to reach. If she had been a star, Jasper already has her in the palm of his hands or, literally in his arms. And things are just keeps getting harder and harder instead of easier for me. But I have to find a way to ease the pain. I didn't want to be sad._

_In my desperate bid to get away from the hurt, I decided to travel. I packed my bags, said a little goodbye and went. Alice, before I went kept bugging me to no end asking me why I'm suddenly going away. You see, we had a plan before that once we have enough money; we would go and travel around places. She kept asking me to reconsider and wait for her to save up so we could fulfil our plan. I didn't know what to say to her. I mean, I wanted to tell her our plans changed the moment she and Jasper became a couple. I didn't think that our plans would still be the same, since they're attached in the hip. I knew I couldn't tell her the truth. One truth will open another and another and another until I eventually confess to her my betrayal of our friendship by falling in love with her. I'm barely accepting the reality's fact that she couldn't be in my life the way I wanted her to be, I didn't think I could handle having to lose her all together just because I stupidly admitted the truth. So I lied to her –partially truth depends on how you'll look at it. I told her I didn't want any company and that I wanted to be alone. The truth was I really didn't want any company, but it was any company but hers. It was the truth that I wanted to be alone, but only because I couldn't bring her with me. I need to escape the pain and I'm desperate to do just that._

_Days went to weeks and eventually months with me travelling to various places alone. I've met different types of people and I did go on dates. Sadly, no one could make my heart skip a beat like Alice did whenever her emerald meets my chocolate eyes. When I went away, for the first few weeks I had been counting on time to make things easier for me and it did. It was slowly, but I kept in mind that I have to try and it takes time. I believed that maybe just maybe time could make my feelings for Alice disappear. They said time could heal any wounds, anyway._

_A week before I'm due back to my normal life after a year of travelling. I went out to a club to prepare myself from going back. On those months that I've travelled I'd like to believe that I'm stronger. My heart is still broken but at least it wasn't hurting as much –if anything, it felt numb now. Anyway, at the club as I sat there and watch people, from the crowd a bronze haired guy appeared before me. He introduced himself as Edward._

_Edward and I clicked straight away. He wasn't the usual guy you would find. He was a gentleman and pretty much like Jasper. Edward and I got talking and he became an acquaintance for me for the last week of my 'escape away'. I learned that Edward was actually doing the same thing I did. He was also on his escape getaway. We pretty much had similar story, only his was about still loving someone he could've had. _

_-x-x-x-_

_Edward's story was, just like me, he has his childhood best friend Kate (only Alice wasn't my childhood best friend. It was Jasper). They grew up together and they fell in love. Pretty idealistic scenario because it wasn't an unrequited love, but Edward is scared. I could and couldn't blame him for feeling that though, as idiotic as it may sound. Because in some sense he does have a reason to be afraid; what happen was, of course, both of them didn't know their feelings for each other are reciprocated at first, so like the typical love story and seemingly the most natural reaction, they tried and had their shared of failed relationships. They love each other secretly and watched each other try to make a relationship work. It was pretty much like they were dancing around each other. Doing what best friends does and tells each other things and the people they found attractive. Both of them of course felt jealous –Edward because Kate wouldn't see him that way and Kate because she feels she couldn't compete or measure up to the type of woman Edward is interested in. Both felt like they didn't have a chance being noticed that way by the other, so in bid to ease the heartache, both finds solace in the presence of another heart. _

_It was unfair for the others they loved second best, but in a sense it wasn't intentional. When Edward and Kate decided to be with them, both tried to love them best, but… it wasn't easy because, whether they like it or not, they both already knew who they wanted and what they wanted just so unfortunate because they thought they weren't good enough for one another. _

_One night though, Edward had an accident and it was unfortunate for Edward but fortunate enough for them because it became the key for them to open up the truth. Kate was shaken up by the sight of Edward looking small in the hospital bed. When she thought that Edward was sleeping, she poured her heart out to him. She told him she loves him and that if Edward would pull through, she will spend the rest of her life proving it and showing it to Edward. She wouldn't be afraid and if Edward does not feel the same thing, she would still shower him with love as much as Edward would allow. _

_It's funny how people would just take the risk, only when they almost lose that chance. _

_Edward of course was elated by Kate's revelation, but –this is the part that I could actually call him an idiot- when he was about ready to open his eyes and tell Kate that he felt exactly the same, panic hits him. Kate was the only constant woman in his life. His mother left him and his father when he was little and every other girl in his life had left him as well. He didn't want to lose Kate ever for any reason. He panicked; he thought what if their only good as friends? What if love isn't enough? He wasn't naïve to the fact that relationship ended regardless if love is still there. He asked himself, what if they give it ago and then it didn't work? He would lose Kate and with it the only woman in his life. So, Edward kept his eyes close and once he was out of the hospital, he acted the way he did towards Kate and when Kate finally revealed her feelings for him, Edward had done his biggest mistake. He told her, __**"I love you, but not that way."**_

_He broke his heart massively and he broke Kate's as well. As soon as those words left his lips though, he regretted it. But he couldn't take it back. Kate accepted it gracefully albeit with heavy heart. She told him that __**"I understand… I told you I love you with hopes that you feel the same. But it didn't mean that, just because I love you, you have to love me back. No. I just want to let you know I love you, so then I wouldn't regret it one day not telling you the truth."**_

_Edward told me he had been miserable since that day. Everyday after that day he spent regretting ever telling Kate that lie. Everyday he wished he wasn't coward and everyday he swore –if he could- he would give 1000days of tomorrows just for one yesterday._

_They remained friends and even though it hurts, probably for both of them, Edward just content and comfort himself to the fact that at least he didn't lose her completely. He still has his best friend. But that only went so far; because later on Kate found someone else. Someone that could love her the way she deserves to be loved and wouldn't be afraid of any consequence. Someone brave enough to take risk and pursue someone who loves another and patient enough to wait to be hopefully loved back. Anthony was the other guy's name. He was a friend of Kate. The one that held Kate while she breaks from being rejected by Edward; the one that helped picked up the pieces and the one that waited patiently for Kate to love him back._

_Edward was in pieces and he couldn't blame anyone but himself. He tried to be strong and face the consequences of his idiotic action and tried to be the friend Kate expected him to be. Everyday again, he thought of telling Kate the truth, tried telling Kate that he was stupid and coward and what he did was unforgivable but the truth was… the truth was just scary. But he loves her. He's in love with her. Edward, one day made up his mind and decided to tell Kate before he's too late. On the day he decided to be honest though, before he could even open his lips, Kate presented her left finger to him adoring a diamond engagement ring and at the same time announcing that she's getting married. That moment, Edward knew, he really was too late._

_Kate asked him to be the best man. She said it would really mean the world to her if she could share that special day with her best friend she loved dearly. I could only imagine how hard it would be for Edward. But he said, it was his punishment for being stupid and coward. So, with a shattered heart he smiled and agreed all the while thinking__**, **__**"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh so you don't see me cry, I am going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me… I promise you I'll smile."**_

_I wondered then if I could do the same for Alice. If I could smile while she and Jasper tie the knot. Smiling seems to be just a masked for anyone who's hurting. It had been long when I realised that the happiest face could be masking the most hurting heart. I mean, I had been projecting the happy face and I don't think anyone had a clue how broken I am inside. _

_Anyway, I asked Edward if he ended up going to the wedding, and he did. But he had never felt weaker before. Kate had been the most beautiful bride he'd ever seen and when she was walking down the aisle, he really had prayed hard to be the groom; to be the one Kate will linked her arm to. He said there was a moment when he really thought Kate was his bride and he was her groom, but then he woke up from the dream as soon as it started. Edward had barely had strength to last for the whole ceremony, so when it finished, he said his goodbye to the couple, congratulate the groom for having the best woman and hugged Kate like his life depended on it –or maybe it did- and dashed for an escape and that was how he ended up where I am._

_I asked him that if he knows that he's miserable because of his own doing; I told him that he didn't take the risk and they said that if you're not willing to take the risk, then you don't want it bad enough. I asked him what happened to what he said about __**"at least I still have my best friend"**__. I know I was being harsh on him, but I just couldn't shake the fact that he had lost his chance to be happy, just because he was afraid to take the risk. And what he said to me __**"shouldn't you know that? You didn't take the risk too and now you're escaping the pain that you let happen to yourself. You didn't tell her what you feel when you had the chance." **__I was rendered quiet because he was right. I shouldn't be the one talking. And then Edward turned to me __**"to answer you about what happened to my hypocrisy, saying at least I still have my best friend," **__and for some reason what he said after carved itself in my memory. Edward said,"__** sometimes a heart can't afford to be **__**just friends**__**."**_

_-x-x-x-_

_So, knowing that we both went away for an escape and to save our hearts from further more pain, we stayed together for the last week of my year getaway. We joked that it must be true that misery loves company, but we know it wasn't like that. It was more like our hearts were just seeking solace with someone that feels the same and would definitely understand. _

_When I was going back, I random thought of asking Edward to come with me entered my rather messy head. I thought, I would be going back to my reality and although I would like to think that the time away I had made my heart a little stronger, I didn't think it would hurt if I bring Edward 'my escape' home with me. At least with him around, I had someone to talk to and turn to when I things get too much. Because I knew that things would definitely be too much. But then I thought, If I bring a pigment of my escape with me, then my escape wouldn't be an escape anymore as I bring it to my reality. So, I decided against it. We part ways but promised to keep in touch and we did._

_Nothing much has changed, when I finally arrived back. The place still looks the same, but my home, or used to be… it changed massively. When I entered the unit, it was as if I entered a room I had never seen before. I couldn't find 'me' in the place. Everywhere I look, I could only see part of Alice and part of Jasper. The home I had once, completely disappeared in my absence. _

_I was about ready to go then; I was about to just go and look for a place to stay in or maybe go to my parents' house and stay there, but before I could, I found myself locked tightly in the very familiar arms of Alice; and before I could react, I felt her tears soaking my shirt. It was then it hit me. Time can't really erase a feeling so strong. Because the year I spent pushing and hiding my feelings away, the year a spent making my heart strong was put to waste the moment Alice's arms enveloped me in it; the moment the pearl of tears left her eyes, my heart instantly melted and ached for the times that I hadn't seen her. I didn't realise it before but… god I missed her._

_I didn't believe that missing someone can make you hurt inside, but… cliché at it may sound, I literally ache by missing her. She still looks as beautiful as before; her hair was shorter but still shines under any light. When she looks up at me with her hazel-green eyes, I unconsciously questioned if I did the right thing of going away. Because the time I had away alone in my desperate bid to lessen the pain and my love for her; the feelings I had managed to cut out from my heart had returned 10x stronger. And this time, I don't think I'll be able to walk away again._

"_**I missed you so much," **__she murmured against my shoulder, __**"I missed you so much it hurts"**__. My heart skipped a bit with her statement but before I could let my heart fully rejoice, another pair of arms wrapped itself around me and popped the bubble Alice and me seemed to be in. Just like that, I'm back to reality –and a sad one at that._

_Soon, both pulled me in more in the reality filling me in on what I missed, they informed me that Jasper actually moved in, in mine and Alice's place during my time away. They said they tried to reach me to ask for permission but since I seemed to have vanished in the face of the earth and didn't want to be found, after trying for god knows how many times, they just decided on to it. There I questioned myself again if it had been right for me to be away. But then I thought whether or not I stayed or go, things will still lead to this - Alice and Jasper closer than they had been before and me, the most faithful friend on the sideline, watching them love each other endlessly while trying my best to hold on to what is left of my heart. _

_They asked me if what living arrangement I would want. I could see the hope in their eyes as if pleading me to let it stay that way. I so wanted to tell them I want it back to before I went; Jasper out and just Alice and I. But I couldn't, as much as I wanted that, I couldn't. The place was Alice's as much as it was mine. It was her home and I could feel it just by looking at her that Jasper had been her home through time. I knew it would make her happy to have Jasper around. So I told them it was ok and Jasper was welcome to stay. The joy in their faces were undeniable but the part the hurts the most was the smile and relief in Alice's eyes. I had never thought that it would hurt so much to make Alice happy. I used to be at my happiest when I know I made her happy but now… it kills to do the thing that would make her smile. But I had to. I didn't have a choice. I love her. And it's her happiness over mine. Besides, you can never stop an unstoppable force. You always have to move. They love each other and that's the unstoppable truth. I was back to square one as soon as I came back… I couldn't even call it home anymore. My home became the places I went to where and when I was able to smile freely and forget that I was aching. I was back to watching them while I hurt. I was back to being trapped and miserable. _

_I thought things couldn't get any worst, but I was wrong. Soon after my return, I was bombed by another news. One day when Alice was doing the grocery shopping, Jasper cornered me and told me that he's going to propose to Alice. I literally felt my knees weakened and a heat went up my face. But, to my surprise I found it in me to manage a smile. I guess it was my love for my friend Jasper. He looks so happy and excited and as the knowledge kills me slowly, I still couldn't find in me not to be happy for him at least. I congratulated him and wished him good luck; he doesn't need it because Alice would definitely be grateful taking Jasper's last name and be Mrs. Whitlock. As soon as I wished him luck, I went. I didn't know for how long I could keep the happy face façade I had. Jasper just told me that he would ask Alice's hand for marriage. I would Alice lose forever –not that she had been mine. I had known that Alice would never be mine, that I couldn't be the one for her. But knowing and accepting it didn't make the pain any less. And with Jasper proposing, I'm dreading how much more I would endure when it actually happens._

_Soon, I found myself listening to endless chatter about the wedding. Each word was like a grain of salt in my wound. I didn't even know then why I'm putting myself to this kind of torture. I could just walk away again and hide. At the back of my head, a voice was screaming at me, saying __**" you can't be **__**just friends**__** with someone that you're in love with. It's not easy" **__and I knew that. But I had to stay because I'm best friends with the groom and best friends with the bride, even though I'm in love with the bride as much or even more that the groom has. And Alice, since I came back made sure that when she wakes up she would see me. She sleeps last at night and when she thinks that I'm already asleep, she would check on me in the middle of the night every night. She's the first to wake too and prepares the breakfast for Jasper and I. I'm not entirely sure why she feels the need to check on me but I wanted to put that as her being afraid that I would just take off again. I'm not sure why she would be afraid but I thought it was because as she said, she missed me so much that it actually hurts. And I don't think I could take off again like I did before. Sure it made the pain less –even though not enough- but once I returned, the ache returns just the same and it hurts a lot more than the last. _

_But just my luck or maybe someone up there finally took pity on me, Jasper one day received a letter from Military Force and was asking him to travel to Washington for 2 weeks. I know I would miss Jasper but I won't deny that I felt relief from that news. For 2 weeks I could have a break from my every day routine of watching the one I love, love someone else and be felt alone. I knew Alice would be devastated but it was only for 2 weeks that would get a break from being constantly with Jasper. And besides, they would get the rest of their lives together; 2 weeks is nothing. _

_While Jasper was away though, I thought I would have to deal with a sad Alice who would be constantly be on the phone with Jasper. But she wasn't. To my surprise, she was just like what she was before Jasper came in to her life. Once again I saw the smile she usually only gives me be cast on me. She was always by my side and I wasn't entirely sure if I should be happy for it or sad. Happy because it was as if I had her back, the way I used to have her; or sad because I know that in 2 weeks time, it would be gone again and I would have to go back and seat on the side line and watch them in front row seat be in love. In the end though, I threw caution to the wind and let myself be drawn in the illusion of once again having Alice to myself. And for the first time after a long time, I was happy again. Alice and I had barely part. We went out; we walk in the park and watch people. We seat in out favourite spot beside the tree and eat ice cream till the sun set itself and we greet the night and watch the stars. We stayed up late watching horror movies she doesn't even like but insisted on watching for some reason. She would snuggle up against me and bury her head on my shoulder and then stay there until the movie finishes. Honestly I was glad for the movie, because it gave me an excuse to hold her. I would laugh at her for being scared, but I was thankful for that too secretly because I was given a chance to 'protect' her. And then after the horror movies she would recommend some sappy drama movie that I didn't want to watch but ending up watching for her anyway. I didn't want to watch some drama because I already had and have enough of it to last me a life time and because as embarrassing as it may sound I always find myself tearing if not crying in those kind of movies. I feel their pain and I was able to re-live what was happening in the movie as well as re-call my own ache. But, after a long time, I didn't mind. Because Alice would hold me and wipe my tears away with her own hand when she sees my tears. She would even tease me that maybe she should let me watch drama after drama of movies because then I would cry and I'd show some kind of emotion. She knew about my hypocrisy line 'tears wont make the pain go away'. She said it bothers her to see me in tears but at the same time grateful because it gives her opportunity to take care of me this time instead of always the other way around. I want to hate her for saying that. I want to be mad at her for telling me that, because it just made me love her even more. It made me fall for her deeper and it scares me because I knew she wouldn't be there to catch me. _

_The last night before Jasper was due back, Alice and I was seating outside the balcony in my room, looking out the city lights. We were in a comfortable silence when she suddenly asked me why have I been distancing myself from her? She said that, there were times that she wanted to come to me to have our time alone but I pull away or always mention or include Jasper. She said sometimes, she wanted to talk about me, what's been happening to me, how am I doing and she wanted to talk to me about her as well –Jasper aside. She told me that since she and Jasper had become a couple, in the outsider's eyes they would think nothing has changed. But she knew otherwise. She said even before I went, she felt like as if was gone. I was physically there, but she couldn't reach to me. She felt like I had built an invisible wall between us and she couldn't get pass it. She admitted to being hurt by that, because she loved her place in my life before whatever it was started. And then when I went, she told me that she was willing to beg me to stay. She was willing to beg me to wait for her and if I had allowed her, she would just pack up and leave with me in a heartbeat. But I didn't. She told me that she had spent nights of crying when I was gone. She said that the reason why she and Jasper decided for Jasper to move in was because Jasper was worried about her. She said she had never thought missing someone could hurt so much and there was nothing she could do because there were no means to find me. She said she had been missing me even before I went; she said, __**"I miss the days when you hold me, the days I hear your voice soothing me. I miss the days when you were actually here whenever I feel like I'm falling apart. I miss the days when you would kiss my forehead and the emotion you used to show me freely. But more than anything else, I miss you and how you and I used to be."**__ She told me that when I went away physically, she felt herself falling apart; she felt empty and sad. Jasper did his best and he was patient and waited for her to be ok. She was grateful for Jasper's effort and love._

_Alice admitted though that it hadn't been enough. She came back to being truly happy when I returned because it felt like a piece of her came back. She said she was at her best when I returned. I smiled at what she had admitted and for the first time it was my genuine smile. I watched her smile too and then when she turned to me, her hazel green eyes meeting my brown, she said, __**"I love you".**_

* * *

><p>"I don't remember much after that. Alice and Jasper eventually got married and I attended the wedding. It kills and I fully understood what Edward might've felt when he was the one witnessing the only woman he ever truly loved swear to be with and love another for the rest of her life, in front of their family and friends. But I remembered Alice giving me this," the sad brown eyes I was staring at looks down and I did too. I looked at the scribble in front of me. And I looked back and saw tears cascading from her eyes.<p>

"And I remember promising myself that I will only going to love her once," more tears fall. "Because the once is enough to last me a lifetime."

I tried to reach for the broken soul in front of me but I couldn't. The brown orbs then closed and more heart-rending tears fell down.

"Auntie Bella, are you ever going to come down? Mum and Dad's silver anniversary is about to start and Mum won't start it without you."

I opened my eyes and once again met by the sad brown eyes' reflection in the mirror. I nodded to Rose's question –Alice and Jasper's daughter- and listened to her close the door as she left. I turned to the reflection before me and witnessed more tears falling from my eyes. I didn't want to remember, because I didn't want to regret. I didn't want to see the truth and continue to ask what would have been.

I closed my eyes again, hoping I could turn everything around to a fantasy, to forget my unforgivable reality and what it holds. I read through the scribble again of what Alice gave me all those years ago. And suddenly I see. Today is another day. I now see again what love had taught me all those years ago and to this day. Do not take time for granted and that it is oneself duty and not love or even destiny but my own will to make what I want and what I am longing for to happen and to have.

I remember now again, and again, it's too late. But I still love Alice. I just wish I told her. I just wish she knew.

* * *

><p>"Now, to give her dedication to the couple Alice and Jasper, their best friend and closest friend for years… Bella."<p>

Everyone applaud as I step in slowly and closely to the microphone. I look at the people around me. I looked at Jasper, still looking very handsome despite old age. Then I looked at Alice and once again melted against her light emerald eyes.

"I didn't have anything more to say about the couple. They have lasted this long so, that should say a lot more than I can manage to offer," I heard a few chuckles here and there.

"What I decided to do however, is to read to you all what Alice gave to me years ago. It's her favourite:

_**~Love and Friendship~**_

_**Once elder Love and Friendship had a conversation; one that had been continuously discussed and wondered by many.**_

_**Love: "If love makes the people cry and their heart mourn; if I'm the reason of their sadness, tears and broken heart… shouldn't it be your role, your job to be there and help them from hurting over me? To help them mend their broken hearts and ease the pain of having lost me?"**_

_**Friendship nodded in agreement.**_

_**Friendship: "Yes my friend. It is my role to help them get though the pain of losing you; to help them forget –for the time being- the traces of pain you left behind. And believe me old friend, I do that."**_

_**Love looks at Friendship, eyeing the elder curiously. Friendship could already feel another question coming.**_

_**Love: "Then why do a lot still cries? Why does sadness still homes the eyes of many and grief still ever present in their hearts even after 'Love' is long gone"**_

_**Friendship looks at Love and bowed its head. Love continued to watch, wondering what Friendship could've done wrong to look so defeated.**_

_**Friendship: "That is my fault and I will not deny. I'm always deep in doing my job, my role; deep and concentrated to make the pain you inflicted go away; shoo the sadness and replace it with happiness. But as I do, I always fail to realise that in my bid to do my job… in my bid to make them happy again and forget about the lost love… I don't realise that I actually end up doing yours instead."**_

I paused and look up to meet Alice's eyes, glaze with what I can make out as unshed tears. I could feel mine welling up too, but I need to hold on to it. I don't have any reason to cry as far as they know.

_I've lived for 68years now. Loved Alice for 50years, watched her for 50 years be happy and that had been enough for me_. I reminded myself.

I look down again and read what I added.

"_**A heart heart the two elders' conversation and looks at the two and said.**_

_**Heart: "Love and Friendship, both of you are elders because both are wise and blessed with known by knowledge. Both of you existed along with time and had travel with changes; yet… both of you are naïve in the matters concerning me –heart."**_

_**Haven't both of you learned that through time and along with the constant changes, there's one rule of universe that remains and would stay the same?"**_

_**Elder Friendship and elder Love looks at Heart and listens.**_

_**Heart: "That there would always be a silver lining between the two of you –Friendship and Love. **_

_**Where there's Friendship will always have love, and where Love will always have friendship. I would feel hurt and I would feel happy where the two of you exist; because it's me, the Heart that feels."**_

**-End-**

* * *

><p><strong>So... what do you guys think? Did i achieve to show the silver lining between friendship and love?<strong>

**Alice and Jame (falling for the one that helped you heal your broken heart, but too much is poisonous)**

**Bella, Alice and Jasper (falling for the one you're helping to get passed the heartache)**

**Edward and Kate (friendship developed to love)**

**Please let me know and please be gentle with the criticism. :P**

PS. if you like to read more of my stories. Please dont hesitate to check out Endless Love, From This Moment, One That Got Away and The Wrong One. Thank you :D


End file.
